From April 29, 2010

My dearest angel,

Tomorrow (or in a few hours, rather) is a huge milestone day for us. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day I discovered I would be a mommy.

April 30, 2009- I was shocked, surprised, and overjoyed at the news that I was indeed carrying a baby, a tiny, little speck of dust- that's all you looked like! All we could see was the pregnancy sac, but you were there, and I loved you instantly. The tears of joy swept down my face in disbelief, and I could not wrap my head around the thought that you were growing inside of me at that very moment.

April 30, I knew I was a mom. I knew that the thing I wanted the most in my ENTIRE life had finally come true. I never thought I'd see the day that I was a mom, that I was pregnant... and yet, there you were! A miracle, a gift, a priceless life.

One year ago... and yet in many ways it seems like yesterday. I imagined that a year from that moment, I would be holding you in my arms, cradling you to sleep, and kissing your nose. That vision was ripped from me when I said goodbye to you, and today, more than I have in a long time, I have cried. Oh, my little angel, I have cried so much this week, but today, the tears have found me again and have not let up.

Kylie, how do I move on and continue living without you here to live for? Please tell me how I am supposed to feel like a mom again, how am I supposed to feel happy again... how am I ever going to feel "normal"? When will I feel like I'm not broken in a million pieces? When does it get easier? I've tried so hard to be strong, to hold it together, only to find out that I am falling to pieces, inside and out. I can't pretend that I'm okay anymore. I can't pretend that I don't hurt every minute of every day.

No one understands or realizes that every day, I die a thousand deaths. I feel the pain of losing you every milisecond of every day. I feel the intense longing, the overwhelming grief... I feel every ounce of bad feeling one can possibly feel. I think everyone thinks I'm "doing okay" or that I'm "doing better" than they thought I would be, but I'm not. On the inside, I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I want to be left alone, to be left to myself, to scoop you up in my arms and hold you forever. To me, my life isn't living anymore without you... i feel like I am just existing. Yes, now that everyone reads this, they are going to tell me I need professional help. They are going to tell me I need counseling, and maybe even medicine. But no, I am not suicidal. I am not in need of any more professional help than i am getting. I am in need of my child. I am in need of being able to grieve properly, because so many people have tried to make me think my grieving process has to stop while I am here or there, that I can't talk to many people because they won't understand.

If I could have taken your place to give you a chance at life, I would have done so in a heart beat. I know so many other people would have done the same thing to save you, and to save me and your daddy the everlasting pain that we are going through. But that was not to be. For some reason, a reason I won't know until it is my time to go (and maybe not even then), you had to leave us so, so soon...

I jsut wish I knew YOU and your personality. I wish I knew what your cry sounded like, what your laugh was like. I wish I knew the feel of your sweet breath on my shoulder, and the wiggle of your toes in my hand. I wish I knew your smile, the differences in your cry (I'm hungry, I'm mad, I'm sick). I wish I knew if you liked reading or writing, if you liked country music or pop... if you liked to sleep on your belly or your side, or your back, if you liked your swing or your bouncy... if you favored your right or your left. I wonder what you would sound like when you started forming words, if you would walk more like me or your dad. I wonder about you, my little girl.

So tomorrow will be hard, I know... because tomorrow last year was the happiest day of my life (to that point). I love you, my little one, and I miss you so much.

As always, be sweet, and good night.

Love forever and ever,

Your Mommy