5 months ago...

5 months ago today, my little angel was 5 days old. I was out of the hospital for only 2 days. We were on the long road, ready for a rollercoaster NICU experience. At this point, we were not too worried- we were anticipating her 10-day-old brain ultrasound to check for brain bleeds. We were excited that she was gaining an ounce or so a night. We were finally getting the hang of all that beeping. We were befriending other NICU parents.

Never, EVER did the thought cross my mind that I might lose my little girl. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't be with us. It wasn't even an option. Sure she was tiny, and we knew it wasn't going to be easy, but we were already planning therapy, and preparing our families for the harsh reality of having a premature baby.

These have been the hardest five months of my life. The most difficult time I could imagine having... my life is so different, yet still eerily the same. It's like we stepped back to the time before Kylie, but yet, we know about her, we held her, we had her for two weeks. I carried her for 7 months, and I watched her grow and felt her move. My life is altered forever, and yet, I have no beautiful little baby to take care of and raise.

In a desperate attempt to find something to hold on to, something to occupy my time, I finally found the March of Dimes and the March for Babies. I started a team on February 1, and we currently have 53 walkers and $3,905 raised. This has been an amazing experience, and it has given me so much pride in my little girl. It makes me feel closer to her, and for that I am thankful. We are so blessed to have so many kind-hearted people in our lives.

This week has been really hard for me, but I guess that is to be expected. Hopefully, things will get better soon.