Pure Mommy Love

Tonight, I was able to attend my first RTS meeting in a few months. It is amazing to me when I go what kind of perspective I get on myself, my life, my grief journey, and my motherhood. I always feel much better when I am in a safe place to talk about my sweet Kylie, where no judgements are made, no hard feelings are created, and no pain is gained from sharing her story. I always feel important, validated, and accepted. It is amazing what a difference several years can make. 2 1/2 years ago, at this time, I was a horrible mess. My life was in shambles, my world was shattered, and my soul was severed. Today, I have come a very, very long way in my journey of grief.

Today, I can talk about Kylie without bursting into tears. I can share her life with a smile, and I can present to others the amazing things I am doing in her memory, and I can laugh over the cute little things she did in her brief time on earth. I can share her life and not break down. Today, I can smile with pride, I can share her with a  new-found joy. Kylie is one of my biggest heroes. She has taught me so much about being a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a good person in general. Kylie has taught me the gift of giving, and of doing for others. Because of Kylie, I am a totally different person today. I am grateful for her life, albeit short. I am thankful for the opportunity to be her mother. Let's face it, I am so lucky to have such a perfect angel watching me and protecting me each and every day.

There is one thing I have never doubted, even in my darkest days of grief: I have never doubted that Kylie knew how  much I loved her. I have NEVER doubted for one second. I know she knows my love for her, and I know she loved me. When she opened her eyes and looked into mine, I knew at that moment that nothing in the world would ever compare to that feeling... that feeling of complete and total innocent, pure, no-boundaries love. She loved me for being her mother. Even on her sickest days, and in her last moments, she held on for me. She let go for me. She fought and valiantly bowed out for me. You see, Kylie was braver than I could be. But yet, she LOVED me, for being her mommy. No words ever had to come out of her tiny little lips, because I saw it in her eyes. She loved me, and she loved me deeply. Her acknowledgement of my voice, my presence, my touch... all of those things validated that. And I am so, so deeply thankful for those two precious, priceless weeks with my little princess.

I fought so hard for her safety, her health, and her happiness. I fought so hard for her to stay with us here on earth. I did everything in my power, because I loved her, to give her a chance at life. Even today, my love for her is so great, and I would do anything to give her a chance at life. However, that is not what God had planned for her, and now, I accept that. Kylie opened the door to a future I never would have planned for myself, but here I am, with this precious little family and all of these opportunities to serve and do for others.

Tonight, when we got home from picking Jaycee and Bryleigh up from my parents' house, Jaycee said, "Mommy, I want to spend some time with you. I missed you so much while you were in town!" My heart melted, and I sat on the couch. Jaycee climbed into my lap and said, "will you hold me like a baby?" So my big five year old girl curled up to me, and I held her and rocked her like a baby, while my heart nearly leaped with joy and love right out of my chest. This little girl knows how to melt my heart in ways I never knew possible. She is so sweet, so kind, so full of love, and she shows me in the most precious of ways how  much she loves me. I don't think I could ever put into words how grateful I am to have her in my life, and how much she taught me about being a mother and loving unconditionally. So many people would not have taken in a child in the situation we have been in for fear of growing attached and then having to say goodbye. However, I have NEVER regretted our decision to have Jaycee in our home and in our lives. She is our daughter, and she is a very special part of this family. Her love has taught me that a mother's bond is far beyond blood and birthing. A mother's love stretches to boundaries unimaginable... and for that, I am forever  grateful to her. Every kiss, every hug, every "I love you," is just another stamp of joy in my life map.

And my beautiful Bryleigh, who has given me the joy of motherhood the way I always envisioned it and then some... I am so in awe of the fact that she was perfectly healthy and happy when born, and that everything I felt "robbed" of before, I got to do with her. And life is amazing with her in it. Every day, Bryleigh's smile when she sees me makes my heart melt into a big ole gushy puddle. It takes my breath away to watch her sleep on my chest, or to watch her wake up and see me there while she breaks into this huge grin... this baby girl is unbelievably sweet and loving! The life I have with her in it is such a wonderful place. She has proven that life isn't about money, or what you have, or where you're going... it is about the love you have and the people in it. She loves unconditionally as well, and she reminds me so much of Kylie at times. She even looks like her! I can imagine that if Kylie was still with us, she would look much the same as Bryleigh does... and that makes me smile. Bryleigh has a very studious, serious side, and that makes me smile, because I know she is that way for a reason- one of the many reasons I love her so much.

Each of these children are so important to me and make me who I am today. Kylie affects each relationship I have in life, including those with my surviving and future children, and that is a good thing. Since Kylie's birth and death, I appreciate everything so much more. I appreciate time, people, belongings, things, events... everything has much more meaning and importance than ever before. I embrace things I never used to embrace, and I try not to take things for granted. My life, with my children, is much better than it could have ever been without children. Being a mother is truly a gift from God.

Since Kylie's birth, our lives have been full of some scary and difficult situations. It seems like when it rains it pours, but I am trying to keep my head up and be positive about things. We have really been working on our finances and getting our credit in order from poor decisions as newlyweds all those years ago. Chris's truck was out of commission for over 2 years and then we had several months of struggling with getting the motor problem taken care of. Chris has had two or more seizures in the past year and a half (almost two now) and was out of work. Losing Kylie kept me out of work for 3 months+, and I missed 9 weeks with Bryleigh (and had no sick time left from being out with Kylie). Chris and I have both had our gallbladders out in the same time period. My granny was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, dementia, and Parkinson's and in the last year has been moved to a nursing home, where her health has steadily declined. My granddaddy was diagnosed with blastic plasmacytoid dendritic neoplasm, a very, very rare leukemia type cancer. My daddy had a heart attack last February. My uncle has congestive heart failure and is now on dialysis as well. Bryleigh was admitted to the hospital at less than 3 months old. Chris was out on workman's comp for a shoulder injury, and now he needs knee surgery. Due to my maternity leave, my paycheck is significantly from this past Feb until the end of August, which is a huge cut, basically the amount of our house payment. It seems like a lot has happened, and we are trying desperately to overcome some of the negative to bring out the positive. Chris and I are trying to do the best we can to provide for our family the best way we know how. However, we can offer something to our children that so many children lack, and that is LOVE. Our kids know they are loved and cared for. They don't want for anything, though they may not have the same things that others have. They are blessed with wonderful families and friends who love them and love to do nice things for them, and they are truly special, special children. Despite all the horrible things we've been through, we will come out on top one day, and we will be surrounded by our children (both heavenly and earthly), and we be proud of our lives and what we have accomplished. <3 So, tonight, I celebrate my children, who deserve the world, the moon, and the stars and beyond. Mommy loves you, Jaycee Elisabeth, Kylie Brielle, and Bryleigh Addison!

A little perspective

Being a mother is truly my life's greatest blessing and joy. Being a mother to THREE beautiful girls is something I only imagined in my wildest dreams. Jaycee, Kylie, and Bryleigh are three very unique, very different, incredibly special little girls who have all changed my life for the better. My journey to motherhood has taken me places I never imagined I'd go, and though my story isn't completely happy, my story is just that: MY story.

Tonight, I am so thankful for the opportunity to mother my girls. I am so grateful that I am able to care for each child (albeit differently) and love each child individually. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to rationalize, to nurture, to soothe, to laugh, to love, to be bold, to be independent, to be strong, to be compassionate, to be hopeful, to be soft hearted... I am so thankful that I am equipped with so many differing abilities and emotions that make me the mother I am. My life is complete with my ability to mother my children.

Bryleigh is 8 months old, and I can probably count on one hand the amount of time I have left her with someone, including my husband, and none of those times, that I remember, was to "go out". Because let's face it, my job right now, #1 job, is to care for and provide for my children. If you have young children at home, you shouldn't be out clubbing every weekend, getting drunk all the time, always pawning off your kids on someone else. My kids are with me. The times that I left Bryleigh were because I had all day dance recital rehearsal, I was a parent panel presenter at a bereavement conference, we went to RTS support group.

I love spending time with my kids- I couldn't imagine not having them. Heck, it took me over 4 months to leave her in the church nursery! It isn't because I don't trust them, it's because I cherish my time with Bryleigh. I love to cuddle and snuggle with the girls, I love to watch them grow and develop. We spend a lot of time cuddled up on the couch because it's what we like to do- we talk and giggle and laugh and love each other. Hugs and kisses are a big part of my household. My life is consummed now with the thoughts of "how many bottles will we need to have ready today?" and "Do I need to buy more diapers?" and "I wonder if Jaycee will ever find those tiny Barbie shoes..." My life is just wonderful this way. I don't want my girls to grow up; I want to keep them this way forever! Each of them brings so much joy to life.

That being said, I have decided that stressing about some things just aren't worth my time. I stress about my dirty house. Well, you know what? My dirty house is a sign that it is lived in well, and that there is a lot of love in this house. We have food on the table, toys for the kids to play with, clothes to cover our bodies, and a safe roof over our heads. I think we're doing okay. I stress about money. Well, guess what? Our bills are paid. God always provides. Hopefully I can let go of some of that anxiety.

I stress about friendships/relationships. I have realized that I have what I need right here at home. I have my husband, my girls, and I have God. Yes, I have family and friends. But I cannot control those relationships. I can control what is right here in my house and what I have in front of me. I love my family and friends dearly, but I HAVE to stop stressing about what they think of me, why, and what they do or don't include me in or participate in with me. I have to say that I am going to have the hardest time with that. I get my feelings hurt easily, and I just don't have time to wallow in self-pity about it. I just wish that things like this were a little easier.

All in all, I am a lucky girl. I have the most perfect, beautiful guardian angel in the world. Yes, I miss her terribly, but my gracious, I know I will always be protected, and by my daughter! How many people can say that? Too many, but not many all in the same breath.

Today, I am reminded that some stresses aren't worth my time. I have my girls, and I have my husband. We have a house, cars, and jobs. We have family and friends. I won't let someone take away my joy just because they themselves are miserable, right?

So tonight, I am grateful for my kids and being a mother. It is a hard job, yes, but it is so rewarding and special. My time right now is to focus on my kiddos and to focus on my family.

Tomorrow, I'll share updates of what's going on and where we're going with some things for Kylie!

Who I am

This is not intended to put anyone down. This is not intended to point fingers or make someone mad. This is about no one but me.

My entire adult life has been enveloped in a bit of mild depression, anxiety, and a horrible self-worth. I have been down on myself, hurt, and depressed. I worry about everything, and I worry about what other people think of me ALL the time. I wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions out in the open, and I do get emotional and upset easily. I let things get to me and pile up, and many times, I find it easier to keep my mouth closed and let people treat me like a door mat instead of opening my mouth and standing up for myself. I'm too nice most of the time, and just let things go if they upset me or bother me. I hate fighting with others, and I hate, hate, HATE being the subject of everyone's gossip.

That being said, I often feel like I am the person everyone talks about. I feel like I am that girl who you are super nice and sweet to her face, and sometimes not even that; you just tolerate when she's around. When she's gone, or out of ear shot, you begin talking about how annoying she is and how you can't stand her, and how she's terrible at what she does, and she'll never compare to you, blah blah blah. I often feel like the girl everyone is friends with because they feel sorry for her, or because she's too stupid to figure out that they really don't like her. I feel like that everywhere I go, no matter where it is or what it concerns.

My whole life, I was raised to be a respectful, nice, honest person. My parents encouraged me to be who I wanted to be and raised me and my sister with the morals and values they were taught as children. You respect adults, peers, everyone. You do what is right, and you stand up for yourself if you feel you've been wronged. You work hard to earn your grades/money/praise/etc. You never stop learning. You do for others when you can. You talk to people instead of yelling at them, and you take care of your stuff because it's all you've got.

I wasn't the pretty girl, still ain't. I wasn't the skinny girl whom everyone envied. Still ain't. I wasn't the cheerleader who could flip across the gym. I wasn't the girl who could turn boring pieces of clothes into a fabulous outfit. I wasn't the one the guys wanted to date. I wasn't the girl who everyone liked because she was all around awesome. I wasn't the class clown that could make everyone laugh. I wasn't the girl that would "put out" so guys would follow me every where.

Don't get me wrong, though. I had boyfriends, dates, friends with benefits, best friends I spent most of my time with. I had some of the popular clothes and brands, and I was co-captain of the cheer squad in 8th grade (no tumbling, only basketball, but still). I was the "social butterfly." I didn't hang with just one group of people- i was friends with everyone. Popular, not popular. Jocks, band kids. Smart kids, kids who didn't care. I befriended everyone. This was part of my raising, I think. I just genuinely like people. I don't discriminate, and I don't judge people by the outside appearance or who they hang out with, etc.

It's funny to me that I can take off my glasses and be blind to those around me, and still find the good qualities in people, while I stand here and allow people to judge me based on my weight, my quirky qualities, my kindness, and the way I dress or look. Because let's face it. We live in a world where people automatically assume people do nothing but eat if they are fat, they don't take care of themselves if they don't wear make up or dress a certain way, and that people are desperate if they try to make friends with everyone they meet.

But here's who I am. Plain and simple. This is me:
My name is Amber Lanford Keith, legally. My middle name is Leigh. I am 28 1/2 years old. I have been with my husband for 10 years, 2 months. We have been married for 8 years. I am a mother of 3 little girls: Jaycee, Kylie, and Bryleigh. Jaycee I did not birth, but love just the same. Kylie was born prematurely and now lives in Heaven. Bryleigh is our full term miracle who lights up our lives every day. I am a Christian, and I love God and His blessings, and I am thankful that I have the promise of Heaven because Jesus died on the cross for you and for me.

I was diagnosed with PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, when I was 21 years old. This explained so much of  my life since I was about 11. You see, growing up I was a skinny, blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl. The summer between 3rd and 4th grade, I gained 50 pounds suddenly. No change in eating, no diet problems. My mom had my thyroid tested. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong. From that summer to this day, I struggled with weight. I gained weight, lost it, gained it again, lost it. I started having dark hair grow on my face  and my arms. I struggled with stomach problems. No matter what I did, nothing was better. After my husband and I got married, I was having some excruciating pain. I was told by the medical clinic at Auburn that I had a disease and they wanted to know how many people I slept with, which was funny to me because I was MARRIED, and we'd been in a relationship for over 2 years. When I returned home from Auburn, a doctor finally diagnosed me with PCOS and explained that it is a metabolic disorder, and it is actually genetic. You are born with it. Symptoms show up at different times, but some of the main things that come from it is tire weight (weight problems mainly in the stomach), dark hair growth, insulin resistance, lack of metabolism, painful cysts on the ovaries that can rupture, etc. I was also diagnosed with metabolic syndrome, which is directly related. Because of this, conceiving a child would be difficult, and my life would be full of medications, odd diets, and struggles. However, I finally had a diagnosis. This is why I am "fat." My body works against me all the time. I have no metabolism and it makes it very difficult for my body to burn off what food I do eat, regardless of how much or how little, and what kind of food it is.

I have suffered with anxiety issues, and I think it is related to the PCOS. I used to take Lexapro, but since my pregnancy with Kylie, I have not had any. Though, I am beginning to think it might be time to calm my nerves some because I have been a basket case a lot lately.

Who else am I?
I am a friend. I am a very devoted friend. I often see myself caring about people more than they care about me. I let myself be used like a door mat. I truly love people, and I am a people person. I don't try to hang out with people because of what they do, or who they hang out with, what they know, or who they know. I like people and I like to be included in things with people. I like to be around others and let them know I enjoy their company. Even if our interests aren't the same, I like meeting new and different people. That's just who I am.

I am very protective of my friends and family. I love with 200% of my heart. Another reason I often end up caring for others more than they care for me. I care so much about those around me. I hate for the people I love to be hurting, broken, upset, anything. I want to fix all the problems, and I cry a lot for those around me. I read things on the computer that just hurt my heart and I cry for my friends. I cry for those who have lost loved ones, who are going through tough times, who need to find a job, who are struggling with money. I  pray for them and think of them constantly.

I am an advocate for parents who have lost babies/pregnancies. I don't do things for these groups or run Healing Hearts because I want attention. I do it because I want parents to know they are not alone. I started this group, the event, everything I do for bereaved parents because I had to search so hard for things to help me, and there was almost nothing local. I had to suffer alone, and feel alone, and I don't want parents to have to do that. I want families to know that they are not alone, and that there are people who understand.

I am Kylie's mommy. I am Bryleigh's mommy. I am Jaycee's mommy. I love each of my chidlren, and I will ALWAYS include Kylie in all that we do. Cards, photos, etc. Even if others get tired of hearing about her, I will continue to talk about her, share her, and do things for her, because she is just as much my child as my living children. That's something I always get upset about because people think I should move on and stop talking about her. Do you stop talking about your kids here on earth? No. If you haven't lost a child, don't judge me or talk about me or ask me to do something you don't even know anything about. It is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. I will carry this pain forever. It eases up, but never completely goes away.

I am a teacher. Contrary to what many think about me, I do LOVE being a teacher. I love teaching seventh grade, and I enjoy my students. Like any job, like any thing we do, there are frustrating moments, difficult people to deal with, and days that go terribly wrong. I hold my kids to a high standard because I love them and care about them, and I wish for them to succeed in all that they do. Sometimes, there are personality clashes (between teachers/students and teachers/coworkers), but it doesn't make me love my job any less. I do try my hardest, and I try to be the best that I can be. Maybe it isn't enough for some people, but I do the best I can with what I have. This year was hard because I missed a whole grading period, so it really is hard to catch up from all that time out. But, I had some awesome kids, and I just kept treading water to try to do the best I could. It is hard to go back to work with a tiny baby at home, I'll definitely say that. There were days I'd much rather be at home cuddling my baby girl than teaching, but that is any mother. I am thankful for my job, and I do try to improve each year and do things differently when they go wrong. We're not all perfect, but I'd like to think that I am growing as a professional each year.

I am a person. I have feelings, hopes, dreams, issues, problems, successes, joys, hurts, positives, negatives, you name it. I want to be seen for who I really am, not what people judge based on an outward appearance or a few encounters. I want people to know that I am a pretty emotional person, and I let things get to me easily. I don't like fighting. I don't like hurting.

I hate my body. Because of that, I don't like to take the time to dress really well. I don't have a style. I wear jeans and tshirts. My hair isn't that important. I rarely wear make up. I hate buying clothes because nothing fits. I am the same weight i was before having Bryleigh, but it all sits so differently now. I hate trying on clothes. I spend most mornings throwing clothes and crying because it's too tight, won't fit right in the waist, too long, too baggy, too short, too this, too that. I have one pair of summer attire that  my mom bought me on Sunday. I have very little variety to my wardrobe. I wear flip flops. I don't get pedicures because my feet are awful and I don't want the Chinese people to make fun of me in Chinese while working on my feet. I don't have a lot of money in the budget for regular haircuts, color, or shopping sprees. I spend my money on the kids first. I rarely buy for myself. When I do, I often end up hating it, or if I try to shop, I get frustrated and feel worse about myself than before. I just feel so bad about myself I don't even want to put the energy in to looking nice because I don't feel that it will make a difference. I still hate how I look.

Right now, I am struggling. I am terrified of what is going to happen with one of our children because it is now down to the wire here. I am having horrible body image issues after having Bryleigh. Yes, I am blessed to have her, and so grateful that she is here and healthy, but it doesn't change how badly I feel. I had horrible body image issues before, so it is compounded now.

Months ago, probably over a year ago, an "anonymous" person posted on my blog some very, VERY hurtful, hateful things to me. This person told me I was fat and it was my fault that Kylie died, and that being fat and doing nothign about it was going to kill another child, that I was a terrible wife, mother, and teacher. And those words still haunt me. To know that someone I let in my life, to know that someone who was close to me could say those words to me with no regard, and then for someone to back them up... it just kills me that someone would say those things. But then, it makes me wonder, who else feels that way? I can't help that I have PCOS. I can't help that I had a doctor who wouldn't listen to me and take me seriously when i kept having complications. I can't help that unforseen things happened in my life to bring me where I am. But, I think I have a pretty good idea of who this person is. It's someone I have pretty much written off anyway. Someone I don't really spend much time with. I hope they are happy though, because their words still have power over me. Every day, I hate myself. I hate my body that I am trapped in, my constant ramblign and talking that has just been me my whole life. You see, I talk a lot. Yes, I know. I don't do it to be annoying. I just talk a lot. That is who I am.

I am proud to be a nerd. I like to read. I like technology. I like the computer. I like Facebook. I like to write. I like to watch my kids play, smile, and grow. I like to cook dinner for my friends and family. I like for people to like my cooking. I like to be around people. I am not the best housekeeper. I hate vacuuming and doing dishes. I like to dress my kids in cute clothes. I like for people to notice how beautiful my babies are. I love to brag about my kids. I love to share corny jokes with my students. If I pick on you, I like you (my Uncle Cecil was the pro at that, by the way. I miss him so bad). I carry a lot of emotional baggage with me.

I am the daughter of Pam and STeve. I am the granddaughter of Frank and Betty Lanford and Barbara Jones and Terry Ray Uptain. I am the great-granddaughter of Lillie Mae Uptain. I am the sister of Ashley Berchekas. I am the aunt to Nicholas. I am aunt to five other nieces and one nephew on Chris's side. I don't get along with my in-laws at all. I wish I could win the lottery.

My granny has Alzheimer's, dementia, and Parkinson's. She now lives in a nursing home and has missed the past year's worth of holidays. Some days, she doesn't know who we are. Many days, she doesn't talk. Granny and I were very close when I was growing up, and my heart hurts every day to see these diseases taking her away from me.

I worry about Jaycee all of the time and what will happen with her. I can't stand to lose her; it would kill me to lose her. I love her so much, and I only want what is best for her. She knows our home as home, and us as family. I want to keep my family in tact. People don't understand what a stress it is, especially right now, to be in this situation. I wouldn't trade her for anything, ever. She is my daughter. I am her mommy.

This is me. Take it or leave it, but don't be so harsh on me. We are all human. I don't want you to pity me. I want you to see me as a real person with real feelings and emotions. If you don't like who I am, please tell me so we can end our friendship here. I am going through a whole lot right now, and this is who I am. This is me. All of me. I have been pretty honest and have exposed myself, but I want people to know who I am.

Summer, it has begun!

Today, I am officially considering my summer as "STARTED." I was off work as of Thursday, but really, today is when it all begins. Holiday weekend is over, things are kind of settling into a new schedule... you know the drill. As a teacher, I am grateful for the summer off. I really am. Who wouldn't enjoy that kind of schedule? I love what I do, but I love having the opportunity to get back to being the real "me." During the summer, I don't have to dress up, I don't have to worry about paperwork deadlines, and I don't even have to worry about getting to many places before 7:30 in the morning. PJs all day are okay, sleeping in is okay, and sitting on the couch for hours on end is okay.

However, there are lots of things still to do, and lots of things to smash into a very quick summer. Jaycee will be five on Friday. Yes, folks, you heard that right. I'm not quite sure I'm believing it myself! Five years old. It seems like just yesterday that we were cuddling her and feeding her bottles and changing her diapers. Now, she is a vibrant, smart, sweet, witty girl who loves to sing, play, dance, and talk. A lot. Talking= her favorite thing to do. And she's good at it, too. No telling what will come out of her mouth. God knew we needed her in our lives and brought her to us, and I am so, so, so thankful that she has grown up in our home. Kindergarten looms, and preschool is a thing of the past. It's hard to believe, isn't it? I know that life has so much in store for her. Did you know that she now wants to be a doctor?! A doctor!!! I told her she can be ANYTHING she puts her mind to, and her daddy and I will cheer her on and help her in any way. I know she could do it, and I guess we'll worry about finances when we get there. =)

Bryleigh is growing like a weed. I mean, literally. She has such an awesome little personality. She smiles and laughs and giggles a lot, and let me tell you, she is a Momma's girl BIG TIME. She can see me across the room, and if she sees me, her face lights up and she gets so stinkin' excited. It melts my heart! She hears my voice and she starts looking for me. She has two little teeth already, and she is rolling from front to back and back to front easily. She is sleeping through the night, and she's up to about 7 ounces at a feeding. She loves playing with her little feet, and she has discovered the joy of teething rings. She likes to swing, bounce, jump, roll, and play. She LOVES her sister, and she laughs at her a lot. Their relationship is so precious! Bryleigh has said Mama on multiple occasions, mostly when she doesn't feel good, but still, she's said it! Her smile lights up a room, and her bright blue eyes are just gorgeous. We've had so, so many people stop us and comment on her eyes, many telling us those eyes were going to cause some serious trouble when she gets older. If they only knew!

We are fast approaching three years since Kylie was born and passed. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. Many days, it feels like yesterday. Some days, it seems like so much longer. Kylie is still continuing to inspire me, to inspire others, and to be my guidance in all that I do. I love her today, tomorrow, and always. Her sisters will always know her and who she is, and for the opportunity to know her, even if it was for just 2 short weeks, I am forever thankful. Her life continues to teach me more than I ever imagined. I just miss her so, so much. It's easier to get through the day, but sometimes, I look at Bryleigh and see so much of Kylie in her. It just tears my heart a bit, though I am thankful for the reminders.

So this summer, I have lots of projects to come. Working on Kylie's fund, working on the October 15 event, working on myself and getting ready for a new school year. So summer will fly, and I will be exhausted any way. However, I wouldn't have my life any other way.

A reflective moment in the aftermath of the storm

My entire life, I have wanted three things: to be a teacher, to be married, and to be a mommy. There was a time in my life that I did not think that I would accomplish those last two, and there was a long period of time after I accomplished the first two that I didn't think I would ever get to be a mommy. I watched myself each month, waiting for those two lines, waiting for some sign that I was a "normal" woman, so that I could experience the joy of motherhood like so many people in this world.

I watched my best friend from childhood get pregnant, and then my very best friend, and my sister, and two other friends get pregnant. I had fertility treatments that failed. I had negative test after negative test. We had to stop multiple times because I had the max of clomid and couldn't afford the injections. Finally, I gave up. I was so broken, so upset that God didn't want me to be a mom. I was weak and torn. I was mad at everyone who complained about their children, because I didn't have any. I was jealous of every pregnant woman who walked in my path. I cried every night becasue I wanted something so badly that I could not have.

On April 30, 2009, that all changed. God granted me the one thing I begged for: a child was growing within my womb. A child that was created by me, Chris, and God. A child that was chosen for us to parent. A child that depended on my body and my life for his/her own life. A child that answered every prayer I had ever thought, spoken, or written.

When Kylie was born, it didn't cross my mind that she might die. I was scared to death in the few weeks before her birth, and I was terrified when she was born, but I was so hopeful. When Kylie died, part of me died with her. I became bitter, angry, and more broken than I ever imagined. I shut people out. I felt guilty for every smile, every laugh, every moment that I didn't cry. I felt angry that everyone around me got to have the family they wanted, and I was stuck with a c-section scar, pain, grief, and childless. All of that, and nothing to show for it. All of that pain, that praying, that crying out to God... all of that misery, all of those doctor's appointments, the surgery she endured, and the pain she must have gone through... all of it for nothing.

I thought God was punishing me, that he was playing a cruel joke on me. I felt that he thought I was a bad mom, that I didn't deserve happiness. I became even more bitter. I was jealous. How dare people tell me to forget my child, how dare people complain about being a parent... my anger was normal in grief, but it was also something that lasted longer than I should have let it.

When we found out we were pregnant with Bryleigh, the fear and anxiety could not take away the excitement... but I was still angry. Why couldn't Kylie's pregnancy have been so uneventful? Why couldn't she have been so lucky?

But by the time Bryleigh arrived- I was elated. This moment, this healthy baby... she was worth all the worry and concern I had and so much more... and this child was so lucky, because she has a sister as her true guardian angel.

God did not answer my prayers the way I intended in any of these instances, but He has taught me that though we have storms and tragedy in our lives, what we do with it is just as important as the grief we must experience. God was patient with me, and He knew that I needed time. I still wish people would not complain about their children so much, and that others would spend time with their kids and love their kids, and I wish people who didn't want or need children didn't get to have them and that there was no such thing as infertility. I still wish that no mother would have to say goodbye to her baby, that no parent should ever bury a child. However, I know that God is good all of the time. I know that God has blessed me immensely, and He gave me Kylie to teach me more than I could ever learn from her on this earth. I have learned patience, kindness, love beyond this world, and so much more. She has taught me about being a good mother, about being a good friend. She has taught me about myself, and about my relationship with God. She has helped strengthen my faith, and she has led me to an understanding about so many things I never would have had. She has used Jaycee in our lives to help us get through the tough times, and to know that regardless of blood relation, she is our child. She has used Bryleigh to show me that there are rainbows after the storm, beautiful, amazing, and pure.

When I look back today on the past 8 years, I realize that I have changed and have become someone I never thought I would become, and I am okay with that. I am blessed to have the opportunity to share my story with others, to raise awareness, and to be a source of support for other parents who have lost. I am blessed with three of the most beautiful daughters I could ever imagine, and I have been given the opportunity to do things I never imagined possible.

I want everyone to know that I may not understand your situation, but I want to be here for you, and I want to be a support for you. I want to share Kylie with others, and use her life to inspire and help.

Tonight, I am humbly grateful. To God be the glory.

March for Babies 2012

My dearest Kylie Brielle,

Words cannot express the feeling in my heart today as I pushed your baby sister in a stroller through Research Park, as we all wore shirts with your sweet name, footprints and face. For three years, we have walked for you, in your honor and memory. We wanted to give back, and we have found an absolutely BEAUTIFUL way to give back to honor your precious legacy.

Kylie, you have taught me so much about being a mommy and about doing things for others. Your life has blessed me in more ways than I could have ever imagined, and I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to have such beautiful, special, sweet children. My blessings are immeasurable.

This year, we became top family team for the THIRD YEAR IN A ROW! Your life lives on within us, and we are better because of it. You may be gone, but your memory and your legacy will never die. I will always carry a piece of you with me, and days like today make me feel so close to you. I could feel your tiny hand on my heart, urging me to keep going, guiding me that even though I was tired, I could do it. You are such a source of strength for me, and I am so grateful to have you as my perfect guardian angel.

Sweet girl,  we have raised $19,500 for the March of Dimes in three years, all because of you. That money will help so many families. I have prayed over it and asked God to bless the donations we have collected so that maybe another family will not have to say goodbye to their precious little one because of what we have done. In my lifetime, I could never expect to leave an imprint on people like you have. You have touched so many lives, and your memory will continue to be a blessing to others.

Today, as any other day, I am so overwhelmed with pride that YOU are my daughter. How did I get so lucky to be blessed with three amazing children? What did I do so right that God blessed me with you?  I don't know what I did to deserve such a perfect family, but I am honored that God gave me this life and the gift of motherhood. Being a mommy is more priceless than I ever imagined, and you showed me that I could have children of my own, after being so afraid that I would never have any.

Kylie Brielle Keith, you are my inspiration. You are perfect and pure, and I could never put into words just how much I truly love you. My face is streaming with tears as I write, because there will never be enough words to explain it. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I miss you so much that my heart feels like it might burst out of my chest.

Thank you for being mine. Thank you for leading my life to help others, and thank you for being an inspiration. Thank you for making me who I am as a mother, a wife, a teacher, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and an advocate. Thank you for showing me the path that my life needed to take.

For you, we walk. We are Angel Kylie's Hope.

With my most sincere and deepest love,

Your Mommy

Those were the days...

Tonight, while eating dinner at a local restaurant, I saw Mr. Satterfield, my 8th grade Social Studies teacher. Mr. Satterfield was one of 5 teachers for our core classes at Madison Cross Roads (the others were Mrs. Ibezim, Mrs. Dickgeiser, Mrs. Bailey, Mr. Abernathy). The 8th grade teachers at MXR took great pride in the bond they shared as educators in order to create a positive atmosphere for the students. When a position in the 8th grade came open, I remember the teachers telling us that they interviewed the candiates together as a team, and they all had a say in the hire of the newest addition. Each teacher had a unique sense of humor, and when you put them together, I can honestly say I think we had the best, most hilarious, most caring group of teachers anyone could ask for.

My eigth grade year was a year of freedom that we all knew we deserved (we had been in the same school since kindergarten), and it was a special kind of freedom that many of us respected; after all those years, we were FINALLY the top of the school. I think the small size of MXR in those days was something that we took for granted, because we were able to have 9 grades in one building, and we only had one subject-area teacher per grade (in middle school). We had no more than 120-130 kids in our class, I think, and many of us went to school together from K-8 (and most of us went to high school together, too). Our parents knew each other well. Most of us made up the cheer squad/basketball/baseball/softball teams at school. Our little siblings were in the same grade. We didn't worry about drugs, or alcohol, or sex- those things did not exist to me in middle school. It's not that we were sheltered so much as it just wasn't an issue at our school. If one person stepped out of line, the parents normally found out about it easily, and it was taken care of immediately. Our parents never blamed the teachers for problems; they went directly to us, and our parents trusted the adults to take care of us and make good decisions for us.

In 8th grade, I learned a lot about life and morals and values. Though we had a lot of fun and laughing, we had a lot of structure and life lessons as well. Mrs. Ibezim, a teacher I had feared my whole time in school, was nothing like what I expected. Granted, in Science we did mostly book work, she taught us about agape, loving yourself, and respecting others. The teachers treated each other with respect, and they ALL worked together on things. The kids saw this, and they worked together.

I know it sounds like I am painting a false picture here, but this is how I remember middle school. Sure we had some issues, but what middle school kid (or teacher) doesn't every now and then? I use my middle school days as examples to my kids, but they normally can't get past the "only one english teacher, math teacher" etc. to get what I'm trying to tell them.

Tonight, seeing Mr. Satterfield reminded me that I am so blessed to have received an education at Madison Cross Roads School. No matter what anyone says, I am who I am because of the teachers and adminstrators who believed in us and molded us into respectful, responsible human beings. As a student, I respected and looked up to every teacher in the building (with the exception of one or two, but I was too young to see them differently then). My fellow classmates did not, to the extent we have today, disrespect and cuss out and flat out disobey the teachers like they do now. Maybe part of it was the big wooden paddle with holes drilled into it, but regardless, we were a bit afraid of trouble, and we knew that whatever trouble we got in at school was NOTHING compared to the trouble we had when we came home.

Today, as I look at my profession and I look at kids everywhere (in the news, out in public, at dance, at restaurants, at school, at daycare, etc), and I look at parents everywhere.

Where did we go so wrong in this world that we stopped teaching and expressing the importance of values, morals, respect, and kindness? Today, I see parents who do not parent. Parents who accuse the teacher before hearing what REALLY happened. Parents who think their children are perfect angels WHILE their kids are yelling at them and chewing them out. (If I EVER raised my voice at my parents in public, they didn't care who was around, they would have knocked my flippin' teeth out!) Parents who want to be the "FRIEND" and not the PARENT. I see parents who are too busy with their own lives to TEACH their children how to act and react, how to make positive decisions, and how to participate in conflict resolution. I see parents who ignore their children when out in public and let them run around like banshees.

I see children who are not taught to respect all people regardless of their differences. I see children who are not taught to respect others enough to behave in public. I see children who are not taught the difference between right and wrong, or children who are taught that if someone does something to you, you get to get them back. I see children who are always looking for a reason to be angry. I see children who have absolutely no respect for any adult. I see children who are self-absorbed and who have an "entitlement" issue.

If I could tell these people anything, it would be this:
Parents: You need to get off your behinds and start being an adult. A child cannot raise themselves; that is YOUR job. You need to put your personal life aside and teach your children right from wrong. You need to model respect for others and others' property. You need to MODEL positive behaviors and good choices. You need to step up to the plate, because quite frankly, your current methods of parenting SUCK and make you look bad. Do your job. Teach your children to accept and respect others, regardless of their age or difference. Do not push hatred or disgust on them. Love your children, and hug them daily, but do NOT be their friend. Teach them what it means to work hard and to appreciate what you have.

Kids: You need to get off YOUR behinds and start appreciating the gift of life. Life is too short to spend it miserable, angry, or upset. Life is too short to spend your life trying to pick up the pieces from bad choices. Learn how to respect adults, regardless of how you feel about them. Learn to bite your tongue and keep in those smart remarks and rude statements. Do not talk about people, and don't put yourself in a position that you may not be proud of. Be happy that you get to go to school to get an education, and stop doing things to jeopardize that. Try hard in everythign you do; the way kids act today, there aren't going to be many options for you when you get older and into the working world.

It terrifies me that my children are growing up in a society where people feel so many things are more important than their own children or growing family. My students already think I'm "old fashioned" and a "mean" mom because I am standing by the principles I grew up with. However, if more people were raised using these same principles, we as a country would be in much better shape.

So tonight, after my rant, I thank my teachers at Madison Cross Roads for believing in me while instilling respect and courtesy. I thank them for helping raise me with the same morals and values my parents had, and I appreciate their love for us. It is truly an honor to be an MXR Comet.