So much is going through my mind right now that I'm not sure where to begin, where this will go, or where or when it will end. All I know is I am so, so super emotional. I think that is partly to do with the clomid, since it makes you a nutcase and hormonal. Well, the rest is self-explanatory.
I have not yet addressed the issue of the anonymous poster that has gotten me to this point in my FB and blogging situations. Due to the fact that the anonymous poster made it clear that she has a lot of ill feelings toward me, and due to the fact that she made it clear that she is very close to my family and friends, I feel the need to respond now. I have had several days to stew over this information, and I have some things to get off my chest.
First of all, you, anonymous poster, are a coward, a bully, and an overall heartless person. You want to blast me publicly, while spelling incorrectly and getting your facts all wrong and mixed up, and sharing personal information that not everyone knew. Thanks to you, I know that I am a much better person than that. I don't go "anonymously" on a "friend's" blog and blast them and say hateful, rude, distasteful things.
I don't care about attention for me. You know who I want attention for? KYLIE. I want KYLIE to be remembered by everyone. I want Kylie to have a positive impact on every single person I can possibly contact. Seems like you're a little jealous of the attention that Kylie gets. What a sick person that makes you.
Second of all, if my doctors felt that my weight was the issue, they would not be prescribing me medicine and helping me to achieve pregnancy. Thank you, I conceived Kylie all on my own without the help of fertility drugs. I have a condition called PCOS that causes my body to over-produce insulin, which creates excess body fat. It is a difficult condition to control, and a difficult condition to treat. Doctors are still trying to find the best diets, medicines, and treatments for this condition. Losing Kylie had nothing to do with my weight, and it had nothing to do with me. My placenta did not form completely, due to the insulin resistance that was created by my condition. Kylie also died because my OB/GYN did NOT give me the care I deserved and did not listen to the warning signs a specialist would have found. I know what I can and can't do, so I don't need you to pretend you have a medical degree to "diagnose" me.
And of course, no one appointed you speaker of all, because my friends and family (my REAL friends) can speak for themselves. And I will be DAMNED if I will let you think I am not a mother to Jaycee. Jaycee has two mommies and one daddy, and it works for us. I don't always call myself her mommy, and I don't have to. Jaycee knows how much I love her and how much my every day life revolves around her. No one who sees me with Jaycee can say that I don't love her or treat her like she's my own. She is such a big part of our lives, and Chris and I parent equally. If it weren't for Jaycee, I would not have made it through the past 16 months.
As for my teaching... well, let's just say that it is none of your damn business. I do my job, and I have a good repor with my students. I do not ever post blogs while teaching. I do it before school or after I am done with kids. I am done with kids at 1:45 each day, so it's not really up to you to tell me when or where I post. You don't know me and my teaching abilities.
I know what you tried to do. You tried to plant seeds of doubt in my mind. You wanted me to doubt myself, my family, my friends, my children. You wanted me to doubt my ability to teach, my ability to do positive things, and my ability to be a friend and a mommy. You tried to tear me down just to make yourself feel better. Well, I hope that you are happy. I think you achieved the opposite of what you wanted. My true friends and family rallied around me, and it has made me a stronger person.
I just wish you would come out of hiding and tell me who you are so I can officially write you out of my life forever. I won't argue with you, I won't fight you, I won't do anything. I will just be done, because you are not a true friend. The truth WILL come out. It will.
I know where I stand, and I am a mommy, a teacher, a friend, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a writer, an advocate. I am important as a person.
So what if I am still grieving? The experts say real, heavy grief can last anywhere from 18-24 months. I am not even to 16 months yet, so it's okay for me to be sad when I want, negative when I want, and depressed when I want. It is normal.
Seems like I am having some success with my body cooperating this month, and I go for progesterone check on Monday of next week. I am anxious to see what my numbers look like, as it has been since December since I had my numbers checked last. I hope the medicine is doing the trick, because it surely had me in some pain this weekend.
So, to my true friends and family, thank you for standing by me no matter what. Thank you for defending me, and thank you for standing up for me. Thank you for loving me and for not being a heartless person. Thank you for being you.
To my Kylie: I love you more than any words can say. You are so beautiful that you make people jealous of you, and I think that's pretty special! I miss you sweet angel!
To my Jaycee: You have brought me so much joy and happiness since we first brought you home. You make me smile every single day, and I am forever grateful for that. I love you with all my heart.
To my husband: You have been such a rock for me through this huge ordeal, and your comforting words and hugs have been so important in helping me heal and deal with this I love you. I love you. I love you.
To my Murphy: You were truly the best dog in the world. You always knew how to give the best kisses, and you always knew the right way to make me feel loved. I love you and miss you so much.
To my REAL friends: You guys are truly amazing. You are my rocks, and I don't know how I would have gotten through the past 16 months without you. For friends old and new, I am thankful for your friendship and your love.
To my family: I think it goes without saying that I love you and care for you so much. Your unconditional love and support is what I desperately needed to make it this far. I have a long way to go, but your love for Kylie, me, Chris, and Jaycee will definitely get us through it. I love you.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
My sweet Murph
Today, Heaven gained another angel. My sweet Murphy, the best dog in the entire world, left us today to go be with her baby sister, Kylie Brielle.
Murphy is not just any ordinary dog. Murphy is family. Murphy is like another child to me.
Murphy was 6 months old when we found her in the newspaper in Auburn. We met in the Winn-Dixie parking lot, where they brought Murphy and her sister Peanut. Murphy's hair was shorter, softer, and slicker, and she just looked at me with those deep brown eyes, and I was hooked.. we gladly wrapped her in a towel and headed to Wal-Mart to get our new puppy settled.
Not long after, Murphy tore up every single present under the Christmas tree, and we decided that maybe we weren't ready for a dog. We called the people, and they took her back. Every day, I thought of my sweet little puppy, and within a month, Murphy was back home with us where she belonged.
When we traveled home, sometimes Murphy would go to her former home and play with her sister Peanut and all the other dogs they had. Sometimes, she would come with us... it was always an adventure. Murphy used to get very car sick, and so we would have to buy a huge tarp from Wal-Mart, and cover the backs of the front seats, as well as the entire back seat, with the tarp. We had to give her dramamine, and she still drooled the entire trip from Auburn to home and back, and she would throw up numerous times. Thank goodness, she eventually grew out of that...
Murphy was a fast learner. She knew how to sit already, and it took literally no time to house train her. Murphy would come inside with us, and then would go out at night, when we first had her. By the time we left Auburn, Murphy was a fully inside dog.
Murphy loved my daddy more than any one else (outside of me and Chris). She would tear the door down when Daddy came to visit, and even to this day, she would have a fit of whining and tail wagging and lots of kissing to give my daddy. He was her favorite person.
We taught her early on: "Who's here, Murph? Who's here?" And she would go to the door or window and look out, and bark if someone was here, and fall to pieces if it was someone she knew. How smart is that? We taught her to shake in a day. In another day, we taught her how to high-five--- one of her favorite tricks. She even did 'taters", which is when you show your fist.
If we said, Murphy, go to bed, she would go to the bedroom door, push the door open, and crawl under our bed. If we said Murphy, you wanna go outside? She would walk to the door or dance in front of it, wagging her tail with such enthusiasm that I thought sometimes she would knock me out.
Murphy was truly one of a kind. Everywhere we took her, everyone gushed over how beautiful she was. "What kind of dog is she?" "She is just so gorgeous!" Murphy looked like a half-sized doberman, with perfect brown markings...
All the time, I could look into those watery brown eyes and just melt. I babied her so, so much. Chris would get so mad at me sometimes, because I would just baby her. She would curl up in the recliner with me, curl up on the couch with me.. or just sit at my feet and nudge me until I pet her.
And of course, there was the singing... I loved singing to her one particular song... "You're my... brown eyed girl... you're my... brown eyed girl." she loved the part "sha-la-la..." she would wag her tail and lean against me. I know she knew this song was special for her... I never sang it to anyone else.
Murphy-Murph, Murphy, Murph-Murph, sweet girl, momma's girl.. they were all names for her. Murph was so good with kids, so good with everyone.
Bless her heart, with all her good, she had some faults. My beautiful dog loved getting into trash, blinds, and kitty litter. I know my friends won't forget the day I brought them to see our new house, and we had left Murphy at home for less than 2 hours, and when we showed up, every blind in the house was destroyed! =) Boy, she knew she was in trouble then.
Murphy always had a way of avoiding punishment, because she would sit and look up at you with those eyes, and my heart would just freakin' melt. I would get so mad at Chris for getting on to her, because she's a dog, and she's a baby, I would argue ...
Yes. Murphy will always be my baby. Murphy is the best dog ever. Murphy is missed so terribly right now...
The house is so quiet, so empty. There's no dog to look over at, no one to say "Murphy, go lay down.. Murphy, you're under my feet... Whatchu doin Murph?"
The hardest part was telling Jaycee that Murphy was in Heaven with baby sister... her question was "Why?" ... "Well baby, Murphy was sick.." "But why Mommy?" Well, I guess I didn't have an answer, because I want to know the same thing...
In the past 36 hours, my life has gone through so much heck. I get personally bashed and attacked here on my own blog, so badly that I must now take precautions to protect myself and save myself from that kind of nastiness. I then come home and my beloved family pet is gone... and I feel so guilty about it.. and then some crazy man who thinks we're someone else wants to come and cause problems. The cops have been at our house twice today because he has shown up and wouldn't leave... and yet they can't arrest him or anything...
For my Murphy:
You will always be my sweet girl. I miss you so much already... you should be at my feet, snoring away. You should be following me as I walk to the kitchen, and you should be busting in the bedroom door when I go to the bathroom. You should be here... and it is killing me inside that you are not. Sweet Murph, you are so special, and you will always be my baby girl. I love you so, so much... I hope you know that. Please take care of Kylie in Heaven-- I am so glad you finally get to meet your baby sister. Just don't lick her to pieces, like you always do to everyone. I would rather her not get bombarded with Murphy slobber. Please come visit me often... I miss you terribly and am going to have a hard time going through this with everything else. I love you, Murph-Murph. Be good.
Love,
Momma.
Murphy is not just any ordinary dog. Murphy is family. Murphy is like another child to me.
Murphy was 6 months old when we found her in the newspaper in Auburn. We met in the Winn-Dixie parking lot, where they brought Murphy and her sister Peanut. Murphy's hair was shorter, softer, and slicker, and she just looked at me with those deep brown eyes, and I was hooked.. we gladly wrapped her in a towel and headed to Wal-Mart to get our new puppy settled.
Not long after, Murphy tore up every single present under the Christmas tree, and we decided that maybe we weren't ready for a dog. We called the people, and they took her back. Every day, I thought of my sweet little puppy, and within a month, Murphy was back home with us where she belonged.
When we traveled home, sometimes Murphy would go to her former home and play with her sister Peanut and all the other dogs they had. Sometimes, she would come with us... it was always an adventure. Murphy used to get very car sick, and so we would have to buy a huge tarp from Wal-Mart, and cover the backs of the front seats, as well as the entire back seat, with the tarp. We had to give her dramamine, and she still drooled the entire trip from Auburn to home and back, and she would throw up numerous times. Thank goodness, she eventually grew out of that...
Murphy was a fast learner. She knew how to sit already, and it took literally no time to house train her. Murphy would come inside with us, and then would go out at night, when we first had her. By the time we left Auburn, Murphy was a fully inside dog.
Murphy loved my daddy more than any one else (outside of me and Chris). She would tear the door down when Daddy came to visit, and even to this day, she would have a fit of whining and tail wagging and lots of kissing to give my daddy. He was her favorite person.
We taught her early on: "Who's here, Murph? Who's here?" And she would go to the door or window and look out, and bark if someone was here, and fall to pieces if it was someone she knew. How smart is that? We taught her to shake in a day. In another day, we taught her how to high-five--- one of her favorite tricks. She even did 'taters", which is when you show your fist.
If we said, Murphy, go to bed, she would go to the bedroom door, push the door open, and crawl under our bed. If we said Murphy, you wanna go outside? She would walk to the door or dance in front of it, wagging her tail with such enthusiasm that I thought sometimes she would knock me out.
Murphy was truly one of a kind. Everywhere we took her, everyone gushed over how beautiful she was. "What kind of dog is she?" "She is just so gorgeous!" Murphy looked like a half-sized doberman, with perfect brown markings...
All the time, I could look into those watery brown eyes and just melt. I babied her so, so much. Chris would get so mad at me sometimes, because I would just baby her. She would curl up in the recliner with me, curl up on the couch with me.. or just sit at my feet and nudge me until I pet her.
And of course, there was the singing... I loved singing to her one particular song... "You're my... brown eyed girl... you're my... brown eyed girl." she loved the part "sha-la-la..." she would wag her tail and lean against me. I know she knew this song was special for her... I never sang it to anyone else.
Murphy-Murph, Murphy, Murph-Murph, sweet girl, momma's girl.. they were all names for her. Murph was so good with kids, so good with everyone.
Bless her heart, with all her good, she had some faults. My beautiful dog loved getting into trash, blinds, and kitty litter. I know my friends won't forget the day I brought them to see our new house, and we had left Murphy at home for less than 2 hours, and when we showed up, every blind in the house was destroyed! =) Boy, she knew she was in trouble then.
Murphy always had a way of avoiding punishment, because she would sit and look up at you with those eyes, and my heart would just freakin' melt. I would get so mad at Chris for getting on to her, because she's a dog, and she's a baby, I would argue ...
Yes. Murphy will always be my baby. Murphy is the best dog ever. Murphy is missed so terribly right now...
The house is so quiet, so empty. There's no dog to look over at, no one to say "Murphy, go lay down.. Murphy, you're under my feet... Whatchu doin Murph?"
The hardest part was telling Jaycee that Murphy was in Heaven with baby sister... her question was "Why?" ... "Well baby, Murphy was sick.." "But why Mommy?" Well, I guess I didn't have an answer, because I want to know the same thing...
In the past 36 hours, my life has gone through so much heck. I get personally bashed and attacked here on my own blog, so badly that I must now take precautions to protect myself and save myself from that kind of nastiness. I then come home and my beloved family pet is gone... and I feel so guilty about it.. and then some crazy man who thinks we're someone else wants to come and cause problems. The cops have been at our house twice today because he has shown up and wouldn't leave... and yet they can't arrest him or anything...
For my Murphy:
You will always be my sweet girl. I miss you so much already... you should be at my feet, snoring away. You should be following me as I walk to the kitchen, and you should be busting in the bedroom door when I go to the bathroom. You should be here... and it is killing me inside that you are not. Sweet Murph, you are so special, and you will always be my baby girl. I love you so, so much... I hope you know that. Please take care of Kylie in Heaven-- I am so glad you finally get to meet your baby sister. Just don't lick her to pieces, like you always do to everyone. I would rather her not get bombarded with Murphy slobber. Please come visit me often... I miss you terribly and am going to have a hard time going through this with everything else. I love you, Murph-Murph. Be good.
Love,
Momma.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I can be negative if I want to...
So the anonymous poster on my last blog just really set me off. I understand people are trying to help, but my God, could you be any LESS supportive? The last thing anyone in my position wants or needs to hear is "You need to be positive. Maybe the world doesn't want to bring another child into your life if it is so negative."
Do you know what that makes me feel like? That makes me feel like I am unfit to be a good mother. That makes me feel like you think that I am not capable of being a good mother because I am so upset. Did you lose your first born child? Did you watch your child suffer through an agonizing, painful disease and surgery? Did you watch your child die in your arms? Did you try everything you possibly could to keep it from happening? Don't you dare judge me. This is MY BLOG, and I can write whatever I want. I shouldn't have to worry about people who try to bring me down even more. I am entitled to feel any way I want, and it is really hard to be positive when your life has been completely ripped out from underneath you.
If you don't want to read my negative posts, then don't. If you don't think I'm in the right state of mind, condition, or position to have another child, then keep it to yourself. I have enough on my plate to worry about. I can't be upset even more by people putting me down more. I look to my comments for solace, comfort, and support, not for putting me down and degrading me and making me feel worthless, which is what you have done.
I guess I'm just not mother-material. I guess it is not meant to be. I guess I'll just accept the fact that I am not going to be a mother again, and just live my life in silence, since I can't even be free to post what I want here. Everything is so crappy. If you lived my life, you might understand. I wouldn't wish this constant pain and agony on anyone, not even you or my worst enemy. Do me a favor and don't be helpful if all you have are comments like that. I'm going through enough.
This will probably be my last publicly noted post for awhile. If anyone wants to keep up with me, you'll have to do it by following and checking every so often. I don't want anymore comments like that one.
Do you know what that makes me feel like? That makes me feel like I am unfit to be a good mother. That makes me feel like you think that I am not capable of being a good mother because I am so upset. Did you lose your first born child? Did you watch your child suffer through an agonizing, painful disease and surgery? Did you watch your child die in your arms? Did you try everything you possibly could to keep it from happening? Don't you dare judge me. This is MY BLOG, and I can write whatever I want. I shouldn't have to worry about people who try to bring me down even more. I am entitled to feel any way I want, and it is really hard to be positive when your life has been completely ripped out from underneath you.
If you don't want to read my negative posts, then don't. If you don't think I'm in the right state of mind, condition, or position to have another child, then keep it to yourself. I have enough on my plate to worry about. I can't be upset even more by people putting me down more. I look to my comments for solace, comfort, and support, not for putting me down and degrading me and making me feel worthless, which is what you have done.
I guess I'm just not mother-material. I guess it is not meant to be. I guess I'll just accept the fact that I am not going to be a mother again, and just live my life in silence, since I can't even be free to post what I want here. Everything is so crappy. If you lived my life, you might understand. I wouldn't wish this constant pain and agony on anyone, not even you or my worst enemy. Do me a favor and don't be helpful if all you have are comments like that. I'm going through enough.
This will probably be my last publicly noted post for awhile. If anyone wants to keep up with me, you'll have to do it by following and checking every so often. I don't want anymore comments like that one.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A motherly desire
My entire life, I have always wanted to be a mom. I have always wanted children, and at least 3. I have also, since I was a teenager, had a huge fear of not being able to have children. Why, I don't know. It was odd- I would always think about having children, and then the thoughts would pop up: "what if I can't have children?".
It makes me wonder what my body has been trying to tell me myentire life... what my mind knew that my heart cannot grasp. I am beginning to think that I've been trying to prepare myself for the fact that I will not have children of my own here on earth with me.
I am so depressed, so broken, so lost... in so much pain. I want to have a baby so badly. I want to have my OWN baby, and I would give anything to have Kylie back. I cannot have her back, so I do want another child to fill this void in my heart- my yearning to be a mother. This child would never replace my Kylie, but it would help fill my desire to become a mother.
In April of 2010, when I could finally start trying again, my body decided to wage war on me again. April to June, things went haywire. June is when I started seeing my new doc, Dr. H. He was so kind and so great-- he worked with me for June, July, and August to get my cycles on track and coming on their own. In August, I started back on clomid (50 mg) and again in September. In October, I started on 100 mg a day, and have been on it ever since. This month is the last month I can take clomid for awhile. It would be the fifth month.
I am so scared, so frustrated... it's 3 years ago all over again. The "no's" each month are killing my soul. The empty nursery is a constant reminder, but I cannot bear to take it down. The inability for my body to regulate itself is so frustrating and draining. I feel worthless, useless, hopeless. Others get pregnant right away. Others say it's easier to conceive the second child once you have had your first. Why do people say that?
It isn't easier. It sucks. It royally sucks. I shouldn't even have to be trying to have a baby. I should be caring for an almost 16 month old preemie who needs her Mommy more than others. I should be looking at a house full of baby toys, clothes, and tiny socks. I should not be buying ovulation kits, clomid, and prenatal vitams in hopes that I will conceive this month.
Why me? Why has my whole journey to motherhood been full of pain and suffering? Why is my whole life consummed with NO to every thing I ever wanted with all my heart? Why am I being forced to live this life of uncertainty and heartbreak? Haven't I suffered enough? I just want to be a mommy again. I want another child. I want to have an opportunity at a full 40 week pregnancy. I want a baby to love, to raise, to teach, and to guide. I want to complete my family. At this rate, I'll be happy with just one more sweet angel to add to my home. BUt, I can't even get that.
This is emotionally, mentally, physically draining. It brings out every emotion I ever had before I got pregnant with Kylie, and it brings back every memory of my pregnancy with Kylie, every memory of my life with her, and every memory of my living hell since losing her.
I am not okay today. I am not okay right now. It is so hard for anyone to understand my desires and my pain, and to top it off, I am still grieving, which makes this process all the more difficult. I just want things to work out in my favor for once.
Everyone keeps saying "Well, you know you can get pregnant." Well, tell my body that. Yes, I got pregnant with Kylie. Yes, it happened on its own. But apparently, it isn't happening now. How in the world is that supposed to comfort me?
Fertility issues suck. Being unable to conceive sucks. Being a mother who has lost her baby... well, it stinks to be in this position.
It makes me wonder what my body has been trying to tell me myentire life... what my mind knew that my heart cannot grasp. I am beginning to think that I've been trying to prepare myself for the fact that I will not have children of my own here on earth with me.
I am so depressed, so broken, so lost... in so much pain. I want to have a baby so badly. I want to have my OWN baby, and I would give anything to have Kylie back. I cannot have her back, so I do want another child to fill this void in my heart- my yearning to be a mother. This child would never replace my Kylie, but it would help fill my desire to become a mother.
In April of 2010, when I could finally start trying again, my body decided to wage war on me again. April to June, things went haywire. June is when I started seeing my new doc, Dr. H. He was so kind and so great-- he worked with me for June, July, and August to get my cycles on track and coming on their own. In August, I started back on clomid (50 mg) and again in September. In October, I started on 100 mg a day, and have been on it ever since. This month is the last month I can take clomid for awhile. It would be the fifth month.
I am so scared, so frustrated... it's 3 years ago all over again. The "no's" each month are killing my soul. The empty nursery is a constant reminder, but I cannot bear to take it down. The inability for my body to regulate itself is so frustrating and draining. I feel worthless, useless, hopeless. Others get pregnant right away. Others say it's easier to conceive the second child once you have had your first. Why do people say that?
It isn't easier. It sucks. It royally sucks. I shouldn't even have to be trying to have a baby. I should be caring for an almost 16 month old preemie who needs her Mommy more than others. I should be looking at a house full of baby toys, clothes, and tiny socks. I should not be buying ovulation kits, clomid, and prenatal vitams in hopes that I will conceive this month.
Why me? Why has my whole journey to motherhood been full of pain and suffering? Why is my whole life consummed with NO to every thing I ever wanted with all my heart? Why am I being forced to live this life of uncertainty and heartbreak? Haven't I suffered enough? I just want to be a mommy again. I want another child. I want to have an opportunity at a full 40 week pregnancy. I want a baby to love, to raise, to teach, and to guide. I want to complete my family. At this rate, I'll be happy with just one more sweet angel to add to my home. BUt, I can't even get that.
This is emotionally, mentally, physically draining. It brings out every emotion I ever had before I got pregnant with Kylie, and it brings back every memory of my pregnancy with Kylie, every memory of my life with her, and every memory of my living hell since losing her.
I am not okay today. I am not okay right now. It is so hard for anyone to understand my desires and my pain, and to top it off, I am still grieving, which makes this process all the more difficult. I just want things to work out in my favor for once.
Everyone keeps saying "Well, you know you can get pregnant." Well, tell my body that. Yes, I got pregnant with Kylie. Yes, it happened on its own. But apparently, it isn't happening now. How in the world is that supposed to comfort me?
Fertility issues suck. Being unable to conceive sucks. Being a mother who has lost her baby... well, it stinks to be in this position.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
To my princess
My dearest Kylie Brielle,
Sweet angel, words could never begin to express how much you are loved and missed. Your life was and is a blessing to me and your daddy, and not a day goes by that we don't think of you OFTEN.
Today, I stood by bed 11 in the NICU... well to me, it will always be YOUR bed. It was your home. It is where you lived... and where you died. I thought it would be easier to stand there... but it wasn't. At that exact moment, I think for a few moments, I missed you more than I have EVER missed you in my life. I think for a moment, I hurt more than I have ever hurt. It was a realization that you are truly gone, that you are truly in Heaven... A realization that your life was so terribly short...
October 15, 2009 will never leave my mind. The sounds, the events... the emotions. It will always be a difficult day. It will always be something I remember.
But in all of that pain, all of that grief... all of that overwhelming sense of hopelessness and despair... I have you. You, my beautiful princess, are priceless. There is nothing and no one in this world more special or more beautiful than you.
For my entire life, no one will ever take your place. No one will ever be you.
I just wanted to remind you of a special phrase that always makes me think of you:
"On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
'Life will never be the same.'
Because there had never been
anyone like you...
ever in the world."
Sweet girl, that is so true. I was in awe of you, and you still put me in awe of your grace, beauty and wonder.
Yesterday, I saw a billboard on a church. This church has a way with sayings that get to you- I often write them down. This one said: "Blessed is the influence of one loving soul on another." I feel that you have influenced me in so many special ways, and you are influencing so many others in many beautiful ways. Your life is a gift, and your memory is going to live on for everyone to benefit from. You live even in death, as your spirit will never fade. You, my sweet baby girl, are truly an angel.
I am so blessed to be your Mommy, and so blessed to have you as my child. I love you with every single fiber of my being, and I miss you so badly it hurts. You are perfect, and mine, and I am so proud to be your Mommy.
As always, be sweet, my princess.
With sincere love,
Your Mommy
Sweet angel, words could never begin to express how much you are loved and missed. Your life was and is a blessing to me and your daddy, and not a day goes by that we don't think of you OFTEN.
Today, I stood by bed 11 in the NICU... well to me, it will always be YOUR bed. It was your home. It is where you lived... and where you died. I thought it would be easier to stand there... but it wasn't. At that exact moment, I think for a few moments, I missed you more than I have EVER missed you in my life. I think for a moment, I hurt more than I have ever hurt. It was a realization that you are truly gone, that you are truly in Heaven... A realization that your life was so terribly short...
October 15, 2009 will never leave my mind. The sounds, the events... the emotions. It will always be a difficult day. It will always be something I remember.
But in all of that pain, all of that grief... all of that overwhelming sense of hopelessness and despair... I have you. You, my beautiful princess, are priceless. There is nothing and no one in this world more special or more beautiful than you.
For my entire life, no one will ever take your place. No one will ever be you.
I just wanted to remind you of a special phrase that always makes me think of you:
"On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
'Life will never be the same.'
Because there had never been
anyone like you...
ever in the world."
Sweet girl, that is so true. I was in awe of you, and you still put me in awe of your grace, beauty and wonder.
Yesterday, I saw a billboard on a church. This church has a way with sayings that get to you- I often write them down. This one said: "Blessed is the influence of one loving soul on another." I feel that you have influenced me in so many special ways, and you are influencing so many others in many beautiful ways. Your life is a gift, and your memory is going to live on for everyone to benefit from. You live even in death, as your spirit will never fade. You, my sweet baby girl, are truly an angel.
I am so blessed to be your Mommy, and so blessed to have you as my child. I love you with every single fiber of my being, and I miss you so badly it hurts. You are perfect, and mine, and I am so proud to be your Mommy.
As always, be sweet, my princess.
With sincere love,
Your Mommy
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Priceless Friendships and Growing Up
Today, after a very deep conversation, a very real, very personal conversation with my close friends, I made a realization.
We have all grown up so much; for the first time in my life, today, I felt like an adult. I felt like all of us had become adults. We were discussing personal, difficult, deep topics without being offensive, being offended, or getting upset. We were respectful, able to see different sides. We were grown women having a grown-up conversation.
I realized today that we have all turned out to be pretty amazing women. It is an honor and a pleasure to be friends with such beautiful, independent, kind-hearted women. I just feel so strongly about today.
I am thankful today for a special group of friends who let me know in so many precious, priceless ways that they have not forgotten my Kylie, and that they have not forgotten me and my pain.
Today, I was told some things that I have a hard time feeling about myself, but I thought I would share them in writing. Maybe it will help me believe in myself more.
I was told:
1.) You are stronger than I could ever be; you are the strongest woman I know, and I admire you for that.
2.) You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re doing better than you give yourself credit for.
3.) You are allowed to grieve in your own way.
4.) It’s okay to talk about your child; we ALL talk about our children.
5.) You aren’t bringing attention to yourself when you talk about Kylie; you are bringing attention to KYLIE.
I just have to tell everyone that I am so grateful for the blessings these people have brought in my life, both old friends and new. Today, as I cried with my friends for the first time in a long time, as I opened up to them about my feelings, my fears, my emotions… I felt so raw again in my grief, but I also felt comfort… comfortable sharing my story, my feelings, and like everyone in the room hurt for me just as badly as I hurt for my Kylie. They may not understand the depth of the pain, but they understand the fact that I hurt, and they understand that my need to talk about Kylie, and they understand how badly I need them.
For my special friends, I am truly thankful. I am so lucky to have people in my life who love me, my children, and my husband. I am thankful to have friends that I consider FAMILY . I could not have made it through the past 16 months without them by my side… and I just don’t know what I’d do without them.
Thank you, sweet friends, for being there for me, for loving me, and for being a part of my life. Thank you for showing me that Kylie is near and dear to all of your hearts, and that she is just as important as any of your living children. Thank you for showing me love and kindness, and for accepting me as I am. Thank you for reminding me that I am real, I am human, and I am entitled to be imperfect. Thank you for being my rocks and shoulders to lean on. Thank you for being you. THANK you for everything.
We have all grown up so much; for the first time in my life, today, I felt like an adult. I felt like all of us had become adults. We were discussing personal, difficult, deep topics without being offensive, being offended, or getting upset. We were respectful, able to see different sides. We were grown women having a grown-up conversation.
I realized today that we have all turned out to be pretty amazing women. It is an honor and a pleasure to be friends with such beautiful, independent, kind-hearted women. I just feel so strongly about today.
I am thankful today for a special group of friends who let me know in so many precious, priceless ways that they have not forgotten my Kylie, and that they have not forgotten me and my pain.
Today, I was told some things that I have a hard time feeling about myself, but I thought I would share them in writing. Maybe it will help me believe in myself more.
I was told:
1.) You are stronger than I could ever be; you are the strongest woman I know, and I admire you for that.
2.) You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re doing better than you give yourself credit for.
3.) You are allowed to grieve in your own way.
4.) It’s okay to talk about your child; we ALL talk about our children.
5.) You aren’t bringing attention to yourself when you talk about Kylie; you are bringing attention to KYLIE.
I just have to tell everyone that I am so grateful for the blessings these people have brought in my life, both old friends and new. Today, as I cried with my friends for the first time in a long time, as I opened up to them about my feelings, my fears, my emotions… I felt so raw again in my grief, but I also felt comfort… comfortable sharing my story, my feelings, and like everyone in the room hurt for me just as badly as I hurt for my Kylie. They may not understand the depth of the pain, but they understand the fact that I hurt, and they understand that my need to talk about Kylie, and they understand how badly I need them.
For my special friends, I am truly thankful. I am so lucky to have people in my life who love me, my children, and my husband. I am thankful to have friends that I consider FAMILY . I could not have made it through the past 16 months without them by my side… and I just don’t know what I’d do without them.
Thank you, sweet friends, for being there for me, for loving me, and for being a part of my life. Thank you for showing me that Kylie is near and dear to all of your hearts, and that she is just as important as any of your living children. Thank you for showing me love and kindness, and for accepting me as I am. Thank you for reminding me that I am real, I am human, and I am entitled to be imperfect. Thank you for being my rocks and shoulders to lean on. Thank you for being you. THANK you for everything.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Surprises and Happenings
So there are a few ramblings to put in this post...
The idea of the parent dinner meet-up has gone over tremendously well! There are over 14 people signed up to go to our first parent dinner meeting next Thursday, and I could not be more thrilled. The idea of gathering in an informal setting to talk about anything on our minds... it just suits the whole idea of grieving. We don't always have to have structure, and so it seems fitting to do this kind of meeting at a restaurant. I am so thrilled about it. If you live in the Huntsville, AL area and have suffered a pregnancy or baby loss, you can let me know if you'd like to attend on Thursday, January 27 at 7:00 PM at Lone Star steakhouse in front of Madison Square Mall. =)
We are kicking off the March of Dimes 2011 March for Babies with a family team kick-off celebration on February 8 at 6:00 PM at the Marriott by the Space and Rocket Center. I, along with Anna Claire Vollers, are the volunteers heading up the family teams, so I'm really excited about this new role within the MOD organization. I am really excited to get to know the other family team captains and form a dialogue with them, and to get them pumped up about the walk. They have a lot to compete with, though; I plan on passing our $8,000 fundraising we did last year!
Also, I have a meeting that is being scheduled with the Huntsville Hospital Foundation to start the fund for parent bereavement resources. I want all parents who leave HH without their child to be given a copy of the book: Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby, and for moms to be given a mother/baby necklace set like the one my sweet cousin Donna brought me from her social worker at her hospital in Georgia. These resources will be provided to all parents who leave Huntsville Hospital without their baby due to miscarriage, NICU loss, stillbirth, or other early infancy loss. I am excited about the possibilities.
Yesterday, my story was posted on the site Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It has already connected me to several remarkable women who sadly understand the pain and suffering I experience every single day. It feels good to see my story in yet another publication, and especially one where I can connect with others who have experienced similar losses. Tiffany, a beautiful, kind soul I have met through our losses, is creating a Face2Face group here in Huntsville, through this website, so I am excited to see what this will bring to our area. That means three meet-ups for parents who have suffered a loss. In a year's time, we've gone from 1 to 3. What a huge step for bereaved parents in North Alabama!
Okay- now to my big rant. The other day, Chris stopped by to see Kylie. Last night, he told me what he found. A headstone was installed for the lady buried one row below our row. The people who installed the headstone left trash and coke bottles ON MY BABY'S HEADSTONE!!!!!!!!!! Who the heck does disrespectful crap like that? You shouldn't do that to any headstone, but ESPECIALLY not to MY KYLIE, to a BABY, especially a RECENT loss such as hers. How dare you leave trash on her headstone and treat it like it is insignificant and not worth your time to even clean up after yourself. HOW DARE YOU disrespect my baby girl. HOW FREAKING DARE YOU! I am so livid... Chris called the guy in charge of the cemetery, who went off, because the headstone wasn't even approved!!!!! So he will be finding out who put it in, and then WE will be calling, writing, and perhaps even paying a visit to the people responsible. Now, they have to deal with one irate, over-protective Mommy, and I don't think there's ANYTHING Chris can do that would come close to being as bad as what I will do when I get to them.
So, there's the rant... someone seriously will pay for this, and they will apologize, and by God, they will meet me at the cemetery and apologize to my daughter for their blatant act of ignorance and disrespect.
Sorry to end on a bad note... but I am just furious!!!!!
The idea of the parent dinner meet-up has gone over tremendously well! There are over 14 people signed up to go to our first parent dinner meeting next Thursday, and I could not be more thrilled. The idea of gathering in an informal setting to talk about anything on our minds... it just suits the whole idea of grieving. We don't always have to have structure, and so it seems fitting to do this kind of meeting at a restaurant. I am so thrilled about it. If you live in the Huntsville, AL area and have suffered a pregnancy or baby loss, you can let me know if you'd like to attend on Thursday, January 27 at 7:00 PM at Lone Star steakhouse in front of Madison Square Mall. =)
We are kicking off the March of Dimes 2011 March for Babies with a family team kick-off celebration on February 8 at 6:00 PM at the Marriott by the Space and Rocket Center. I, along with Anna Claire Vollers, are the volunteers heading up the family teams, so I'm really excited about this new role within the MOD organization. I am really excited to get to know the other family team captains and form a dialogue with them, and to get them pumped up about the walk. They have a lot to compete with, though; I plan on passing our $8,000 fundraising we did last year!
Also, I have a meeting that is being scheduled with the Huntsville Hospital Foundation to start the fund for parent bereavement resources. I want all parents who leave HH without their child to be given a copy of the book: Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby, and for moms to be given a mother/baby necklace set like the one my sweet cousin Donna brought me from her social worker at her hospital in Georgia. These resources will be provided to all parents who leave Huntsville Hospital without their baby due to miscarriage, NICU loss, stillbirth, or other early infancy loss. I am excited about the possibilities.
Yesterday, my story was posted on the site Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It has already connected me to several remarkable women who sadly understand the pain and suffering I experience every single day. It feels good to see my story in yet another publication, and especially one where I can connect with others who have experienced similar losses. Tiffany, a beautiful, kind soul I have met through our losses, is creating a Face2Face group here in Huntsville, through this website, so I am excited to see what this will bring to our area. That means three meet-ups for parents who have suffered a loss. In a year's time, we've gone from 1 to 3. What a huge step for bereaved parents in North Alabama!
Okay- now to my big rant. The other day, Chris stopped by to see Kylie. Last night, he told me what he found. A headstone was installed for the lady buried one row below our row. The people who installed the headstone left trash and coke bottles ON MY BABY'S HEADSTONE!!!!!!!!!! Who the heck does disrespectful crap like that? You shouldn't do that to any headstone, but ESPECIALLY not to MY KYLIE, to a BABY, especially a RECENT loss such as hers. How dare you leave trash on her headstone and treat it like it is insignificant and not worth your time to even clean up after yourself. HOW DARE YOU disrespect my baby girl. HOW FREAKING DARE YOU! I am so livid... Chris called the guy in charge of the cemetery, who went off, because the headstone wasn't even approved!!!!! So he will be finding out who put it in, and then WE will be calling, writing, and perhaps even paying a visit to the people responsible. Now, they have to deal with one irate, over-protective Mommy, and I don't think there's ANYTHING Chris can do that would come close to being as bad as what I will do when I get to them.
So, there's the rant... someone seriously will pay for this, and they will apologize, and by God, they will meet me at the cemetery and apologize to my daughter for their blatant act of ignorance and disrespect.
Sorry to end on a bad note... but I am just furious!!!!!
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